My little clown car

If I had $10K to blow, I would patent the alphabet.

Given the astounding shite that’s already been patented in the US, it’d be easy. First, I’d call it Novel method of representing multiple phonemes with individual graphemes, then I’d dazzle the examiner with claims about how the entire “graphemic system” could itself be used with multiple “morphemic systems” (languages). The technical illustrations wouldn’t show the Roman alphabet, but a completely different set of symbols with a one-to-one correspondence to it. Maybe I’d omit the ones corresponding to the letters J, U, and W — they weren’t originally used, and 26 symbols are much more of a tip-off than 23, even to some of the addlepates in the USPTO.

Once my patent came through, oh, wouldn’t you love to see all the reporters pouring out of the little clown car in my media circus?

What do you say? Anyone have ten grand they want to dedicate to the cause of mayhem in the soi-disant field of intellectual property? Let’s have some fun.

p.s. Next up: my plans to obtain the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

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